Of Religion and Meditation

Being of British descent, I was brought up via my schooling, home life and wider society as a Christian – I was Christened by my parents, and I was confirmed at my junior school. We had religious services every day at the schools I attended until I left at 18, but I never really felt like I understood the whole thing about church and never really felt at all religious or any connection. I have no idea now why I even got confirmed – maybe it was to do with Communion or maybe at the time I just wanted to be part of that club. I was in the choir so maybe they thought I was religious (truth be told, I just liked to sing and enjoyed the sound of the choir, and still enjoy choral music today, even without being religious). It could even have been as simple as just wanting to belong.

My parents weren’t overly religious and I never remember going to Church as a family unless it was a wedding or funeral. I remember going to Sunday School and Church on my own with my friends and people going on about how they had felt Jesus enter their lives, but I had never really understood it. They must definitely be feeling some vibes or something that just isn’t happening to me. Don’t get me wrong – I had some great times at things like JuCo camp (where I first did Canoeing and Climbing, amongst other things) but the religious aspect wasn’t for me. I fell out of any religion  in my mid teens whilst at school. Science and logic has always been how my brain ticks, and religion never really sat with that as a good bedfellow. I reckon around the time I was 13 or 14 I ended up turning into an atheist.

I should say at this point before I offend anyone (and I have many Religious friends who are very happy with their choice, thank you very much ) that I have absolutely nothing against monotheistic religions at all, and religion is a personal choice. I have purposely not pushed my children in any direction when it comes to religion apart from supporting them in whatever their beliefs are or turn out to be.

I’ve always been fascinated by different ways of life and at school the chaplain who did our RE lessons was very open minded, so they weren’t just about Christianity, but we learnt about Sikh, Hindu, Buddhism etc. I remember being fascinated by Buddhism – by it’s basic concepts which seemed to resonate with me. I always thought it was a religion but I realised when I grew up that it was less of a religion in a monotheistic sense (there is no God in Buddhism, and you’re not praying to a higher being at all), but it’s more a way to look at your life and how you fit in to the world. The only thing you’re praying to is yourself. It’s an inward journey but with the idea that you are a better person to those around you – more thoughtful, compassionate, and able to be altruistic.   I suppose the monotheistic religions give you that too, but alongside the praising an invisible god aspect and believing a book, both of which I never felt comfortable with. I read lots of stuff about Buddhism when I could back then, but never officially did anything myself about it.

Kinkaku-Ji Kyoto - Zen Temple

On and off since then I’ve warred with the materialistic and geeky side of my nature with the buddhist side, but more recently (last 5-10 years) the Buddhist side of me has been winning. I’d randomly do the odd bit of meditation (and did Yoga for a period of time too) but never kept the practice up daily. Until more recently when things have been getting difficult from a psychological perspective – I was diagnosed Bipolar in 2010 and when your moods are up and down it’s difficult to focus. In mid 2011 it got to a point where I had to do something so I resolved with myself to do the things I should have done years ago – you can see those things in my post here.

So I started swimming three times a week, building up from 3km per week at the moment with the aim of doing 6km per week and maybe more. I’ve lost weight, I’m feeling healthier. But most importantly this is making me feel happier.

But the biggest change is that I’ve eventually cemented my Buddhist side and started attending a group and meditating daily. And the meditation is the thing that is making the most difference to me mentally. I feel calm again, but I’m also seeing things I never saw before. A little bit of inner contentment I’ve never had before.

I remember someone I used to go to school with (I seem to remember his name was Michael Ryan – but not the guy who went a bit nuts in Hungerford of course) I once had quite a deep conversation with. He was one of those people who seemed to have an outside construct of a bit of a hard man. But he was quite a quiet and thoughtful person behind the hard-man persona, and I remember him recounting a pearl of wisdom which was ‘Never copy anyone else’s life, or pretend you are something you’re not – always be yourself’ which when you’re 12 seemed to be very deep. But it was something I remembered even now. Wierdly this is what Buddhism and meditation give me – the ability to peel away layers of protection and ego and be who I really am. It’s exceptionally liberating.