My parents weren’t overly religious and I never remember going to Church as a family unless it was a wedding or funeral. I remember going to Sunday School and Church on my own with my friends and people going on about how they had felt Jesus enter their lives, but I had never really understood it. They must definitely be feeling some vibes or something that just isn’t happening to me. Don’t get me wrong – I had some great times at things like JuCo camp (where I first did Canoeing and Climbing, amongst other things) but the religious aspect wasn’t for me. I fell out of any religion  in my mid teens whilst at school. Science and logic has always been how my brain ticks, and religion never really sat with that as a good bedfellow. I reckon around the time I was 13 or 14 I ended up turning into an atheist.

I should say at this point before I offend anyone (and I have many Religious friends who are very happy with their choice, thank you very much ) that I have absolutely nothing against monotheistic religions at all, and religion is a personal choice. I have purposely not pushed my children in any direction when it comes to religion apart from supporting them in whatever their beliefs are or turn out to be.

I’ve always been fascinated by different ways of life and at school the chaplain who did our RE lessons was very open minded, so they weren’t just about Christianity, but we learnt about Sikh, Hindu, Buddhism etc. I remember being fascinated by Buddhism – by it’s basic concepts which seemed to resonate with me. I always thought it was a religion but I realised when I grew up that it was less of a religion in a monotheistic sense (there is no God in Buddhism, and you’re not praying to a higher being at all), but it’s more a way to look at your life and how you fit in to the world. The only thing you’re praying to is yourself. It’s an inward journey but with the idea that you are a better person to those around you – more thoughtful, compassionate, and able to be altruistic.   I suppose the monotheistic religions give you that too, but alongside the praising an invisible god aspect and believing a book, both of which I never felt comfortable with. I read lots of stuff about Buddhism when I could back then, but never officially did anything myself about it.

Kinkaku-Ji Kyoto - Zen Temple

On and off since then I’ve warred with the materialistic and geeky side of my nature with the buddhist side, but more recently (last 5-10 years) the Buddhist side of me has been winning. I’d randomly do the odd bit of meditation (and did Yoga for a period of time too) but never kept the practice up daily. Until more recently when things have been getting difficult from a psychological perspective – I was diagnosed Bipolar in 2010 and when your moods are up and down it’s difficult to focus. In mid 2011 it got to a point where I had to do something so I resolved with myself to do the things I should have done years ago – you can see those things in my post here.

So I started swimming three times a week, building up from 3km per week at the moment with the aim of doing 6km per week and maybe more. I’ve lost weight, I’m feeling healthier. But most importantly this is making me feel happier.

But the biggest change is that I’ve eventually cemented my Buddhist side and started attending a group and meditating daily. And the meditation is the thing that is making the most difference to me mentally. I feel calm again, but I’m also seeing things I never saw before. A little bit of inner contentment I’ve never had before.

I remember someone I used to go to school with (I seem to remember his name was Michael Ryan – but not the guy who went a bit nuts in Hungerford of course) I once had quite a deep conversation with. He was one of those people who seemed to have an outside construct of a bit of a hard man. But he was quite a quiet and thoughtful person behind the hard-man persona, and I remember him recounting a pearl of wisdom which was ‘Never copy anyone else’s life, or pretend you are something you’re not – always be yourself’ which when you’re 12 seemed to be very deep. But it was something I remembered even now. Wierdly this is what Buddhism and meditation give me – the ability to peel away layers of protection and ego and be who I really am. It’s exceptionally liberating.

But with all the malaise in my life in the last few years, and feeling rock bottom, I recognise I have to make some changes and give myself some targets otherwise I’ll end up going into a very desperate downward spiral.

So I’ve made myself a list of things that aren’t New Years resolutions, but more just things I really want to achieve or do – not necessarily all in 2012 either.

• Make a Positive Difference
  This is a bit of a strange one, but it comes from a thought I had on a bike ride recently. If I died tomorrow – who would miss me? Very few people. Who would come to my funeral? Not many. But also I’ve not made a difference to many people’s lives. I’ve not inspired or been inspired. I need to change that. I need to find what my purpose is in life. Sure – I’ve raised a couple of grand in charity money, but I reckon there’s alot more I could do – I just need to work out what. As part of that I also need to;
• Make sure my kids are positive and happy. (not negative and unhappy).
  Nuff said.
• Do a Lands End to John O’Groats Bike Ride
  It’s a bit like the personal everest of british cyclists – I know quite a few people that have done it, but I want to see what my country is like before I’m too old to appreciate it.
• Compete in a Triathlon
  I’ll just be happy to finish – I don’t care if I come last.
• Become a better swimmer
  In 2010 not only did I do swimming lessons myself again (to learn to do front crawl properly) but I did the Swim for All open water swim at Pugneys – 1500m which felt like a long way, but I dug deep and finished and actually really enjoyed it (even if I did get wobbly legs getting out of the water!). I’ve entered again this year, but I’d like to do it faster and easier. I’m sure my stroke is poor and needs improving so I need to improve my swimming and do more open water swimming.
• Go diving more often
  I know it recharges my happiness batteries. I should go do it and become a more social animal again.
• Learn to Meditate properly / Join a local Buddhist group.
  If I can learn to focus more and find my inner self, hopefully it’ll mean some of the other things’ll slot into place. I’ve been umming and ahhing about this one for a while. I think I need to do this.

The main thing I enjoy is the solitude – it allows me time to ponder things. It’s amazing what you think about out on a bike ride. I’ve been riding through a forest in France and suddenly a sticky work problem has popped into my head, or I’ll plan stuff. But none of it is planned to be thought about – it just all pops into my head randomly. The peace and quiet enables you to switch off. Well, unless there’s something wrong with my bike which will niggle me until I fix it. (Who knew a badly-fitted bottle cage frame pump could make quite so much noise?)

The other thing I enjoy is the being outside. The freedom of being able to go wherever I want, pretty much whenever I want (well, except when it’s super windy or snowing – but even then spiky tyres on the mountain bike don’t stop me). Being out with nature and seeing it at it’s best is awesome – one of the coolest things I’ve ever experience on a bike is riding along and having a wild bat as a companion – flying alongside me for 300 yards on a road not far from my house.  Having to stop and wait because a herd of deer were crossing the road right in front of you. Seeing Owls sat on fenceposts and hedgerows. And even just seeing amazing sunrises and sunsets.

Finally you get a moving meditation. Getting so comfortable on the bike you become part of it – and the brain empties and the noise of the chain is almost hypnotic. You feel at peace with the world.

It’s a great way to start the day – you are energised for the rest of it.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

In a down phase, I tend to be very rearwards looking – wondering what I have done in the past to offend people, ruminating on wondering how other people felt about stuff. Was my perception skewed. What did I do wrong. Analysing things that I really should just dump out of my head. This tends to cloud the brain, making me forgetful, and to some people just  wilful – they think I haven’t done something because I didn’t want to, but alot of the time it’s down to feeling stuck – not knowing the best way to approach something or wanting something to be perfect even though I know that just doing it will be enough. I can’t just tidy the house – I have to make sure everything’s put away properly, whereas most people would just sweep stuff under the carpet. Mentally, too, this can have bad effects.

When I’m in a positive mode, I became very creative, but also very frustrated. I take loads of pictures but if only one out of 100 is any good I feel demoralised. I start blaming he camera, for example, rather than actually working out what the problem is. I get frustrated. Thus starting a cycle. So I end up controlling my urges to be creative because otherwise I know it’s a self perpetuating cycle.

Limitations, whether inadvertently or otherwise, are caused by me being in either mode and wanting to do something about it but being constrained by things outside my control. Very positive and itching to go out for a dive or bike ride but not able to. Wanting to meditate but being constantly disturbed by the kids or other half wanting to know what I’m doing. Struggling with someone who doesn’t always understand how I feel or who I really am, and them finding it hard to cope with me. Even being trapped indoors by the weather or the darkness. Not having anyone to talk to about it.

After a late night Friday having only got in at half past midnight, I slept until 8am this morning. I gave my car a bit of a once over as during the mega journey on Friday it seemed to develop a bit of a fault – if I was driving uphill and had my foot fairly heavily down on the accelerator, when the turbo was on, the revs would be high and then suddenly drop down from 4.5k to 3.5k and wobble, even though I hadn’t lifted my foot off the accelerator. The first time it did it, it was quite unnerving. I was worried the turbo might be on the fritz, but I’m thinking now it’s more likely it needs the Diesel filter replacing/cleaning as it could be fuel starvation. Checked the oil (which was full) and put some TF2 which I use on my bike on the door hinges. A good tidy and lifted up the extra 2 seats in the boot as we were using it in Bus mode today.

Went round and picked up a couple of the kids friends and went to the Panto at the York Health Club – a good version of Wizard of Oz, plus a bar. Can’t be bad.

Panto done, went to Tesco to get some bits and bobs, then home and we cooked a great roast beef dinner. Yum. Whilst the family watched the strictly final, I read on the iPad. I also dug around in my photo library and after strictly it ended up with us all, as a family, trawling through the old photos of the kids as babies. Reminds me – I need to do the next phase of my Apple Photobook. I did one around 5 years ago with the kids up to and including the birth of the smallest one. I need to do Volume II for the folks.

Sunday

Up early and over to Mother in Law’s near Ilkley for the morning. Then stopped at Waitrose in Otley on the way home on the off-chance they might have a Heston Hidden Orange pudding. They didn’t. But they did have some rather nice San Pellegrino Lemon water, which Tesco don’t stock, and they also had some Pimms winter cup, which Tesco’s don’t stock either.

Quick change and then back into York as the youngest had a party at the Barley Hall. Found a bit of York we never knew existed too. Whilst Lottie was at the party, wandered around York for a bit and had a lovely Creme Bruleé coffee at Costa. Glad my diet is on hold . Whilst we were in Costa I was idly reading my emails and got one from the Hyena Comedy club in York saying Phill Jupitus was confirmed as a special secret guest tonight, and after negotiating with my fairer half, I booked a ticket there and then on my iPhone. Technology is wonderful sometimes!

Quick home via Blockbusters for some DVD’s for the girls, a steak and potato pie made from yesterday’s leftover beef, and then I went back into town, leaving the girls to have a girly night in, to see Chris Martin, Phill Jupitus and James Redmond at the comedy club. Chris Martin was very good – very observational – and a couple of really fantastic belly laughs. Phill Jupitus was very surreal – he came on saying Phill Jupitus was dead and had died in 2032, and this is a hologram of Phill Jupitus that had been sent back in time and asked for any questions. Very bizarre but quite amusing – I get the feeling this was something special, to be honest, so I’m not going to write about this here because it’s best to see it. Phill being totally off the cuff is a joy to behold. And he’s lost a shedload of weight too – looks good for it.

Then after the interval came James Redmond. You may remember him as Finn from Hollyoaks, or from Casualty. I couldn’t believe he said that the last time he was in Hollyoaks was 10 years ago. The comedy was very self depricating, talking about stuff as a celebrity, getting sacked from SMTV, and mostly funny. Some jokes could have done better by him not explaining the punchline after it had been delivered – if he’d have left them hanging it would have been much funnier and would flow. A couple of times he seemed to lose the audience, only to drag them back again a few jokes later.

Back home and suffered Michelle watching Take That.

I was diagnosed as Bipolar about 2 years ago. They seem to think I’ve had it since I was little. It sort of makes sense. Plus there’s a possibility I also have v.mild Aspergers which isn’t surprising either.

Sometimes I hate the downsides of my mood. I’ll sit and think the world is black, come on here and delete everything and prepare myself for the worst. But as soon as the blackness lifts and the black dog comes away from the door, I open it up, look outside and the sun’s shining.

When my mood is better I wonder what I was depressed about. It always seems a bit strange. When you’re in a deep depression, it doesn’t matter if you won the lottery – you would still be down. I sit at work wondering why the hell I’m sat there. There’s a huge fog in your head and you just don’t feel like carrying on. If things get really bad – that is if I’m depressed and then other things happen to increase the negative mood, then it can get pretty serious. To the point where I prepare to shuttle off this mortal coil. I go to places I hang out on the internet and clean out my accounts. I stop visiting forums, don’t use Facebook or twitter, literally unplug myself from everything. I have no motivation for my interests – I don’t swim or cycle, I stop talking to dive buddies. I even stop talking to my wife and kids. I get splitting headaches and just want to sleep. I don’t want to go outside, and I have even been known to sell loads of possessions in readiness, and got myself ready mentally to do the inevitable.

I get a feeling that I’m trapped, like a caged bird. It gets worse because I cause worries in my immediate circle – people know I’m down but it’s a taboo. No-one talks to me either and the spiral starts going right down.

But the worst bit is when you come back out of it realising you’ve lost some more friends. I’ve probably only got one friend I speak to regularly from my school days. I see the odd other friend on Facebook, but my heart sinks when I hear on the news that the ‘Average amount of friends someone has on Facebook is 180′. I’ve got less than 80. But I do know every one of the people I’m friends with – even if they’re work colleagues or people I’ve met ‘in passing’.

The fact I’m writing this means I’m very positive at the moment. Not manic  - just positive. On a scale where 0 is suicidal and 10 is thinking I’m invincible, I’m probably a very comfortable 6. A month ago I’d have probably been a 2 or even a 1. I’ve realised that being active keeps me able to keep the black dog away somewhat. I’ve started eating more healthily again and surprise surprise, my motivation has come back. I’m swimming again and cycling when I can (although the icy weather and high winds are scuppering that somewhat).

I have no idea what causes the shifts though. I have ideas or thoughts about what cause it – there is usually a trigger for the depression – a situation where most people may shrug things off but with me I tend to sit and ponder and internalise an issue. This starts eating away at me inside and I’m unable to get it off my chest. And then it gets worse and then it all starts spiralling out of control. The trigger may even be something really simple. An issue at work, or an argument at home. I’m sure another part of it is diet. When I eat loads of bread, butter, sweets and so-forth, my body protests and not only does it make me lethargic and fat, but also depressed. I’m trying to avoid bread completely, for example.

The Cognitive Behavioural Therapy helps too – reading about picking up the early signs and stopping the downward spiral that occurs. Trying to short circuit things before they go too far. Stop trying to internalise stuff. But sometimes that’s impossible and it becomes all too much again.

It’s difficult for people who haven’t been in this situation to understand – alot of people just go ‘Harden the F**k up’ and cannot ever understand why people who on the surface should be happy could be quite so depressed – but my response is – If it were that easy, I would do it. I hate feeling depressed. It affects my kids and wife and other people, it affects me, and may do so in a fairly terminal way one day. I wished I didn’t have it. If I could have something that allowed it all to stop then I would be all for it.

Anyway – I’ve got it off my chest. If you got to the end – thanks for reading. And if you’re one of the people I’ve offended by being rude or disconnecting from – I’m really sorry.